Dirtbag God
by SergeantPixie
Summary: When all is said and done, God is a Dirtbag. Wildly Crack AU from the end of 3x09/beginning of 3x10


**AN: this is definitely outside of my usual genre/fandoms, but The Good Place is actually my favorite show. This has been bouncing around in my head for a while now. Takes place at the end of 3x09/beginning of 3x10. This is so obviously crack I can't think of anything else to say.**

**Dirtbag God**

"The door won't open," Tahani complains, flipping her hair artfully over her shoulder. She's practically hanging off of the doorknob, as if her stubborn human persistence will win out against all the powers of heaven.

Chidi leans against the door.

"Of course it won't, because that would be far too easy!"

Michael shakes a hand at them, the Book of Dougs held tightly by his other hand.

"It's all right, guys, we just need to find someone in the Good Place who will hear us out!"

Janet nods fervently.

Eleanor and Jason are the only ones not frenetic with energy. It's not uncommon for Jason, so none of them take notice of the chill way he plops down onto the couch and props up his feet. The way Eleanor looks at their surroundings with peculiar interest is unusual though.

"Man, it's been a while since I've been to the mailroom. A millennia, at least. Well, my baby lambs, welcome to the Good Place."

Eleanor is still Eleanor, clearly, but the ease with which she moves across the room is uncanny, to say the least. Without thinking, Chidi and Tahani move out of her way as she approaches them. With very little flourish, she opens the door.

Despite the Good Place within reach and view, at last, just behind her; they all stare at her. Except Jason, who examines his hands with great interest.

"Eleanor, how did you just do that?" Tahani exclaims.

"What do you mean you've been here before?" is Janet's question.

"A millennia?" is Chidi's.

Michael just stares.

She shrugs carelessly. "Of course I can open it, it's my door."

Silence.

"Yo dawg, I'm glowing again! Damn, I missed that."

Despite the odd nature of Jason's words, no one turns to look at him, they're all still looking at Eleanor.

"Your door?" Tahani says at last, breathless. "As in, Yours?"

Eleanor nods. "Yes, Miss Al-Jamil, mine."

"But that would mean that you are…" Chidi trails off. "That would mean you're…"

"Babe, you're just repeating yourself."

"That would mean you're…" Chidi stares into space, looking particularly constipated, even for him.

"Eleanor, are you messing with us?" Michael asks. He's hugging the Book of Dougs to his chest like a lifeline.

"No, my friend, I am not forking with you at all."

The silence stretches out around them.

"Yo, do you think they get it?" Jason whisper-yells at Eleanor.

She smiles at him, nodding.

"Yeah man, they got it."

"Mommy," Janet whispers, eyes wide.

"Sure, you can call me that if you want, sweet cheeks," Eleanor responds amiably. "I am, after all, The Creator, and moms always deserve more credit for the work we do."

"The CREATOR?" Chidi is hyperventilating.

Finally, Tahani addresses the deity in the room. "Did God Herself call us her baby lambs?"

Chidi's response is immediate. "Yes, Tahani, she did. But more importantly ELEANOR IS GOD!?"

God nods her head. "Yes, my man, I am."

"THAT MAKES NO SENSE AND I HAVE A STOMACHACHE INSIDE MY STOMACHACHE, IT'S LIKE STOMACHACHE INCEPTION."

Jason hops up to usher Chidi over to sit on the couch beside him.

"Janet will you please get Chidi some calming tea?" Eleanor asks with eternal chill.

Janet nods frantically, practically vibrating with the knowledge that she stood in the presence of her maker. "Of course."

The signature Janet Bing™ pleasantly fills the air and Janet hands over a steaming mug of tea to Chidi who seems to emit distress and confusion at near radioactive levels.

"So you're only pretending to be Eleanor?" Michael asks. "I'm so confused!" he wails, not waiting for her reply. "How long have you been pretending to be Eleanor? Was it the whole time?"

"Well okay, first of all, calm down, bud, everything is fine." She takes a moment to chuckle at her callback to the waiting room.

She waits for Michael to take a few deep breaths before speaking again.

"I am God, and I am Eleanor. I like to spend a little time on earth, experience all different kinds of life, get to know my people up close and personal, so I allow myself to be born as a variety of different people. However, as Eleanor on earth, I didn't know my true identity. I was just an Arizona Dirtbag. When I die, I'm reminded of my true identity." She grins, cocky and sure. "The Divine Almighty."

Tahani abruptly sits, right down onto the floor. Her legs fold perfectly beneath her, silk dress billowing out like a fallen flower, elegant even in her shock. Jason reaches out to press a comforting hand to her shoulder.

Chidi lets out an unearthly shriek as he tosses his head between his legs, throwing his hot tea across the room, directly at Janet. Janet doesn't even blink as she changes her outfit into something dry. Her attention remains on God.

"You knew the whole time I was torturing you? The moment I welcomed you to the Fake Good Place, you knew it was really the Bad Place?" Michael stares in utter disbelief.

She nods. "I sure did, bud."

"Why didn't you stop me," he wails.

She shrugs. "Not really my style, I just go with it, see what happens."

"But how did the system make this big of a mistake?"

She shrugs. "Well I mean, like you've pointed out, there's a massive flaw in this system, my bad, fam. I also just, didn't leave when I woke up. I could've just gone back to the Good Place lickity-split."

"Why did you stay?" Michael asks.

She shrugs again. "Honestly? It was pretty fun."

"Fun?!" Chidi shouts from between his legs.

She nods enthusiastically. "I got to wear a sash! And a tiara! And all of the shrimp I ate! Yum!" She bounces up onto the balls of her feet with enthusiasm. "Man, I love demons, they're ridiculous, I mean, I know, evil incarnate, blah, blah, blah, but I'm God, man, I love everyone." She grins at them all.

She reaches down to help Tahani back up onto her feet with little effort despite their great height difference. "Even you, Tahani Al-Jamil, you self-absorbed giraffe you!"

With those words, Tahani seems to find her feet again. When Eleanor lets go of her, she doesn't topple over.

Eleanor reaches out to Chidi, placing a hand on the back of his head. "And ugh, Chidi, oh Chidi, you disaster of a human being. God love ya, Chidi Anagonya, and I do, I really, really do."

Suddenly feeling calm, Chidi sits up, accepts another cup of tea from Janet.

God turns her attention to her.

"And Janet, my home skillet, I have all of the love in the world for you, friend."

Janet beams, rainbows just about shooting out of her ears, as Janets do.

"What about Jason?" Tahani asks suddenly. "He's handling this far too well."

Eleanor nods. "Yeah, about that, he's actually one of mine."

Everyone turns to look at Jason, who is in fact, glowing.

"Excuse me?" Tahani asks faintly.

"Yeah, he's an angel."

Chidi flails his hand and his tea cup goes along with it, slipping out of his hand and right into the wall. "WHAT?!"

She nods. "Yeah, well, all of my angels get sent to earth a minimum of seven hundred times to experience human life. You caught him on his 666th time around, ironically enough. Once he realized I was sticking around for your little experience, he decided to stay too."

Jason thumps his chest and points at Eleanor. "I got your back, girl."

She points back at him. "Yeah you do!"

Everyone is still staring.

A curvy black woman in a mail-woman outfit comes sprinting into the room.

"There's so much noise coming from this room!" she shouts with jubilant bewilderment.

Noticing Eleanor, she beams. "Oh hey, girl! Nice to see you back here again! Who are all of these people?"

Eleanor smiles fondly at her. "Hey Gwendolyn, these are some of my friends, don't worry about them, we're all good in here."

Gwendolyn beams at her. "Okie-dokey, I'm gonna go now!" She runs back out of the room.

"Well she's perky!" Janet says with extra perk.

Eleanor nods. "Love her! You guys should really hang out sometime, I think you'd really get along."

Janet nods back with enthusiasm.

Tahani clears her throat, ready to go back to the topic of Jason's identity. "Did you have to bring the…" she trails off trying to think of a kind way to phrase her next question. "Lowest of your angels on this endeavor?"

Eleanor points at her, eyes blazing. "Don't you dare insult my dumbass angel, Tahani Al-Jamil, apologize to Jason right now!"

Tahani jumps, distressed at upsetting God. She can't help her next question, though. "That's really his name? The Angel Jason?"

Eleanor nods emphatically. "Yes, now apologize!"

Tahani nods fervently, turning to her angel-husband. "I am, terribly sorry for insulting your status amongst the lord-lady?-'s angels, Jason."

The Angel Jason nods in the chillest of all manners. "It's all good dawg, now that the mission is over I can finally let my wings free!" And just like that, a beautiful set of downy white wings appear at his back. His uber-cool sneaks and velour tracksuit stay in place, looking out of place with his heavenly glow and massive wings.

Eleanor and Jason do an incredibly complicated handshake that at one point causes blinding white light to beam out of their loosely closed fists.

She considers Tahani's apology. "Huh, I kinda like Lord-Lady. I might have to borrow that from you."

"You must certainly feel free to, my…God?" Tahani offers tentatively, unsure of her chosen titles.

Eleanor scrunches her nose and tilts her head. "That seems a bit personal, just God is good with me."

"All right, thank you for the clarification, God," Tahani says as she nods.

Eleanor shakes her head. "Ain't nothing but a thang, my child."

"You know what I can't figure out?" Michael asks out of the blue. "Why didn't the Judge didn't reveal your identity when we went to her for judgement?"

Eleanor shrugs. "Gen? She's my girl, she'd never just sell me out like that." She points at him. "Remember, snitches get stitches."

Michael nods, but it's clear he still has questions.

Eleanor rolls her eyes but makes a come-on gesture at him. "Let 'em out, man."

"So you just hang out on earth as some Arizona Dirtbag and let everyone else run things for you?"

She shakes her head. "First of all, I'm God, I can do anything, I'm in every-damn-thing, I am also currently a certain blonde songstress, I'm also a cheerleader involved in a murder investigation." She stops and considers this. "Huh, I think this is the first time all of my aspects have been blonde, cool."

She turns her attention back to Michael and his questions.

"I am everywhere, including right here, in this moment."

He nods, looking extremely emotional.

"And what about me?" he asks. "You said you love demons, but what about me?"

Eleanor smiles at him. "Michael, my man, you are my favorite demon."

He lets out a huff of disbelieving air, a smile growing on his trembling mouth as his eyes filled with tears.

"With you, I realized I had an opportunity to do a little bit of an experiment, so I made damn sure I was in your waiting room on that faithful death-day."

Her admittance of her misdirection comes at something of a shock.

Michael blinks, taken aback. It takes him a moment to form words. "I am so confused. This was all a trap for me?"

She shakes her head, rising up on her tiptoes to place her divine hands on his shoulders.

"A trap? No! Man, I saved you. No one is beyond being saved, anyone can simply be shown another way, you were the vessel through which I proved my point."

He stares down at her, feeling stripped bare.

"No one is beyond saving?"

She nods.

"So you know the system is broken?"

"Yes, and now I want you to help me fix it. There's a lot of people out there who just need a chance, like you, you magnificent demon, you."

He starts nodding before she even finishes. "Of course, just tell me what to do, Eleanor- God," he corrects himself. "I want to help."

"What about Chidi and I?" Tahani asks. "Will we be going back to the Bad Place?"

Eleanor takes her hands off of Michael's shoulder to turn to the only two humans in the room.

"Of course not, you have a choice."

"A choice?" Chidi tries to ask but actually moans.

She nods. "You can go back down to earth, live your life again, but you won't remember any of this. When you die again you won't know anything about Michael or Janet or Jason, and you won't know about me either."

"What's our other choice?" Tahani asks.

Eleanor points at the open door to the Good Place.

"There's the door, step on through."

Chidi stares at the door to the Good Place.

"I had sex with God like a bunch of times, I can't not know that."

Eleanor smirks. "Yeah you did."

With more assurance than he's ever had in all of his lives – and deaths – he walks towards the door.

Tahani follows after him, certain that the Good Place is where she belongs. Just before the threshold, she turns back. "What about Janet?"

Eleanor shrugs. "She's the most advanced Janet in the Universe. She might actually be God now, I haven't decided yet."

Janet beams manically.

**AN: So anyway, when I first started watching this show, I remember finishing the pilot and thinking "wow wouldn't it be funny if Eleanor was God and that's why she was actually affecting everything around her" and while this was quickly disproven in the show, the idea always kinda stuck with me. I also made a fanmix based around the same idea, it is also called Dirtbag God, and my 8tracks name is callmewolf. Anyway, I hope everyone enjoyed! Comments? Thoughts? Questions? Please leave a review!**

**xoxo**

**-Pixie**


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